“I have an inward treasure born within me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld, or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give.”
-Charlotte Bronte (from Jane Eyre)
In my first year of university, more than a full decade ago, my drama professor would often conclude class discussions with: “any questions about life, love, the universe?”.
It’s strange that despite my rather limited (somewhat sheltered middle-income white prairie girl) life, I could never think of anything to ask. Though the universe is vast, life is long and ravenous, and love is complex, I managed to draw a blank every time.
Ah, back when I thought I knew everything I needed to know! When I thought things were just as they seemed and life was just what it could be! I thought treating myself to designer things would incite an automatic sense of self-worth in the invisible dark parts of me, I thought decisions about love and ideals could be cut and dried.
Not that now I am a cynical old maid or anything. Life, I think is more interesting now than it was then; more layered, more curious. Things that seemed obvious are now clouded with feelings and histories and beauty in their own right. I see that human relationships get entwined and complex and irrational and illogical. And I think that that is ok.
For this, the last week of my 29 years, Saturn is in full Return. I look back and I look forward, I look out and I look in. I guess I still don’t have any questions about life/love/the universe. It seems that they have revealed a lot about themselves over the years that I thought I knew already or had never thought to ask, and I suppose I can only expect them to keep doing just that. Same goes for the people who have drifted into my life and stayed… Same with myself too, I guess. Learning through doing, like I always have.
Here’s to turning THIRTY! Let’s have a ball.
JOZIE’S RULES FOR LIFE
1.Mind your own business. Unless you are invited in to others'business. Even then, try to restrain from imposing your judgement. 2.Look around before making a decision. 3.Be impulsive sometimes. 4.Embrace your contradictions and those of others. 5.Be generous. 6.Accept what is offered, but don't take more. 7.Ask for help, it lets others show you their love. 8.Forgive. Karma will always get them back for you. 9.When you feel out of control of your own happiness: withdraw to solitude and reconnect with yourself. 10.In the end being soft makes you stronger.
NICKY’S RULES FOR LIFE
1. Don’t be shitty.
2. Don’t make happy people sad.
3. Don’t make sad people sadder.
4. If more than two people tell you that you’re being an asshole, consider that maybe you’re being an asshole.
5. Flush the toilet behind you. You’re grossing us all out.
6. Support the under-dog.
7. Critics aren’t automatically bullies and you’re doing yourself a disservice if you ignore all of them out of hand. That being said, it sucks to read shitty stuff about yourself so find an honest friend to read your criticism and tell you if it’s something worth listening to or if the critic is just a crazy fucking douche-canoe.
8. Real bullies are complete assholes but they can’t recognize themselves as such so maybe spray paint an “x” on their forehead so that we can all just recognize them from a distance and ignore them.
9. Be stupid. Be childlike. Be ridiculous. Be happy.
10. Don’t use the word “literally” when you really mean “figuratively”. It literally makes me want to stab you a little but I don’t do it because that’s illegal and also because I have a very limited amount of knives.
11. Read more. Watch shows that inspire you. Embrace whatever makes you geek out. Even if it’s Laura Ingalls. Because Laura Ingalls is fascinating and there’s nothing wrong with obsessively knowing every detail about her life and death. Stop judging me.
12. Bite off more than you can chew. You can always spit it out on the floor if you decide you don’t like it. Women do it all the time.
12b. Embrace your flaws and foibles. If people make fun of you, kick them in the back and then blame it on a ghost.
14. Don’t let other people on the internet tell you what to do. Unless it’s this list. Then I guess just use your best judgement.
15. Become a pirate. Or a monster truck. Or a space toddler. Or a jacket. That’s my favorite one. I just jump on someone’s back and say “Sorry. You looked cold. Zip me up.” It’s awesome.
16. Do something nice for someone you love.
17. Do something nice for a perfect stranger.
18. Do something nice for you.
19. Do ‘The Robot’.
20. Add your own. Go ahead. You can’t fuck this up any more than I have.
Michelle’s stories always cheer me up, so in case you need a Friday pick-me-up too, here’s her most recent blog post.
ok guys, look, clearly i am always just one step away from a public humiliation involving my panties or some sort of random action of hysterical lunatics… AND I LOVE IT!
today was a panty humiliation day.
to set the scene:
it is our big day and i on my way to the venue. it’s before 9am and i haven’t had coffee and i am wearing a very small yellow skirt and walking down the road to the theatre to ensure that many people have good food to eat and musical theatre songs to hear… (and other stuff too…). i am tired and a bit grumpy because i didn’t sleep well the night before. (there was a lot on my mind).
now, it’s important to keep in mind that i have recently lost some weight and one of the up-and-down-sides to this is that things become to big-panties and tights included…
see where this is going?
so my too-big panties decide to team up with my way-too-big tights and battle with my small skirt for supremacy. the skirt has formed an alliance with my purse and all four parties are in cahoots with the weather and a busy downtown street to ruin what already isn’t the raddest morning in my rather illustrious 31 years. so, the purse is pulling the already small skirt UP while the tights and panties are hanging out and slowly falling down. and neither skirt nor under-skirt stuff has a long way to travel before things become indecent.
SO… i walk down the road to the theatre in battle. i pull my skirt down as i try to hike my tights up and then again and again and again. i do this for 3 blocks until i arrive and am grateful for the 4 floors of elevator peace and quiet to readjust. but guess what folks… you guessed it-THE ELEVATOR IS JAMMED FUCKING PACKED and there is no where for me to pull up my tights and pull down my skirt. at least by this point i have devised a plan to tuck my tshirt into my tights giving the whole thing a bit more bulk to cling to and actually maybe stay up for the day (SPOILER: that plan eventually works!). so i get to the fourth floor planning on heading straight to the bathroom and guess what, THE THEATRE ISN’T ON THE FOURTH FLOOR. not even a little bit. it’s on the second floor.
so i head back to the elevator (where is a private, dingy stairwell when you need it?) and blissfully i am alone. two floors to fix my underwear, no problem. doors close… PICTURE THIS:
a brunette woman of 31 enters and elevator. she looks tired and a bit sullen, the grey day isn’t agreeing with her and she long for her bed, some coffee, a book and someone to suck face with. her sullen mood may also be attributed to the fact that she is having some underwear turmoil that must be immediately remedied lest it ruin her whole day. the elevator is empty… bliss. the brunette immediately lifts her small skirt up just under her breasts and begins to simulataneous tug her tights and panties up while furiously shoving her t-shirt into the space between skin and spandex. just as she is about the finish the task… BING!
the elevator door opens and in walks a devastatingly handsom volunteer in a page-boy cap. she pulls her skirt down as far as it should go and straightens herself out… they are both blushing hard.
now, at this point anyone with half a brain would just keep quiet and smile and share a secret with this handsome stranger who is never to be seen again… but I am not that girl. nope, me and my panties haven’t had quite enough just yet so we say:
me: sorry you saw me fixing my skirt. there was some trauma.
him: oh, i wasn’t going to say anything.
me: i guess i probably shouldn’t have said anything either, but you saw my underwear and i couldn’t NOT apologize for that. it’s early in the morning…
him: it’s ok, a girl’s gotta do…
me: ha! ha ha ha! (and i laugh like this, sort of hysterically, for a few seconds…)
and i am safe.
i run into the lobby laughing at myself and my morning and i am cheered up a little. for a second anyway.
if you were curious, everything but the skirt was black so at least there was that small dignity saved!