I know it’s been a while, but I really lost my drive to put words to experience this year. Frankly I had spent many years in a cognitive spiritual phase: Working the hard way towards Enlightenment through mental activity – books/girl talks/ youtube videos.
Then last November, I dated a guy who was blatantly stuck in his cerebral spirituality. At first we talked a lot and seemed on the same page. He also read and understood a lot of fascinating things, but as our relationship deepened to actions, it became quickly clear to me that our connection was shallow. I realized that any actual understanding of the workings of the universe has to happen outside of the brain.
** Sidebar – I saw a psychology video recently that stated that “the brain controls every aspect of our lives” and it was comical to me… “is it just me, or is it convenient that the brain came up with that idea?” I thought.**
I resolved to NEVER KNOWING: Purposefully neglecting my intellect, doing consistent physical and emotional check-ins that involved nothing more than acknowledging that something was present and allowing it.
The spring months were made up of turbulent uncertainty and continual accidents involving my iPhone (perhaps because of an earlier post titled The Habit of Making Space…?) I unplugged from technology and plugged back into my internal environment. I spent a LOT of time alone. If I felt any particular emotion towards another person, I purposely retreated to find my balance.
Things were really crawling along. Patience in this world is a top commodity.
In June, I went to Seattle. I don’t know if it was mixed into the air coming off the Puget Sound, but something my cousin Jeff said in passing triggered a dramatic shift in my perspective:
“The Muni Tribe believed that starch in the diet stifles people’s will.”
I suddenly remembered my own will! The one that I had tucked secretly away, so many years ago, when I was learning to please those around me.
A feeling unravelled underneath my cerebral understanding. That feeling that I had been counting on for so long to evolve of it’s own volition and change my default settings! It appeared in an instant, shooting up and through me: a formless but powerful will! (I can’t tell you much more than that because I don’t think words can reveal it.)
But now it is here and so present in my day-to-day experiences - My life has become a series of easy choices: healthy food and friendships, productive activity and bubbling creative desires. Inspired actions replace forced ones. My various projects are moving forward of their own accord. My brain has given up the driver’s seat. For now.
Why not cut back on starches for a day, and see what your will has to say!